All About My Boy

Pandu after losing his first front tooth!

i have been avoiding the fact that i have to think about what life will be like now for my son. this dream i had of a man in the world that i raised and influenced was potent to me. it inspired me. yes, it's selfish to put this vision on my son's life, i get that, but it meant something to me. now, i don't know what to think.

i love him more than anything in the world. it was always my faith that if i found a place for him to learn he could catch up. since meeting with the clinical psychologist i've been avoiding feeling the impact of her words. autism. mental retardation. developmental delay. start to think he will never talk. all big impact words. 

i don't quite know how to deal with the emotional impact of facing the reality of the situation. i want to hide away that it devastates me. i feel myself pretending that it's all okay. i knew that was the diagnosis going in so why is that when i hear reality it hurts so much. 

still my little boy is just as beautiful as he always was. he listens and minds me. he has learned and developed new skills, like staying in bed and going to sleep. but what will his life be? and selfishly, what will my life be? 

today after his IEP I spoke one on one with the special ed teacher. it's a blessing to me to have her. she is young, passionate, dedicated, and controlling. all things that are perfect in this scenario. her focus has always been on nonverbal children and children with moderate (asberger's) to severe autism. she adores my son. she sees the light in him that i do. and it's a gift. 

we were brainstorming since he's been exhibiting more high stress activities, things like maniacal laughing, self hitting, pinching. all of these are things that he did when i first brought him home but now rarely does unless he is highly stressed. we were brainstorming possible triggers. the change of routine for him and I is probably a big one. me not feeding him dinner. only having 1-2 hours with him a night. 

i shared with her that i'm struggling to find my own routine. i'm trying to figure out how to balance having 2 jobs, making meals, going grocery shopping, cleaning the house, laundry, paying bills, the basics of managing a household. i can't give him a routine if i don't have one. he needs one. i'm finding one. 

i almost started crying because i admitted that there was emotional impact to hearing the "official" diagnosis. she understood and i was grateful. it's like why can't choose the child model 12 version and go with it. admitting that unfortunately that is not my reality is hard. feeling alone in dealing with it is hard. but i'm not alone. 

my little boy is amazingly beautiful and special.  for some reason i am the lucky one that gets to have his smiles and his love every day. the diagnosis doesn't change that love. it doesn't change anything except having a diagnosis and eligible for regional center services. my son is a precocious, adventurous, exuberant, loving, audacious, resilient, free spirit who happens to be blind and autistic with mental retardation and developmental delays. 

so it goes. 

.... yes, i'm still alive. just busy. sorry blog friends!

The Winner is ....

Vintage Merry Christmas 5x7 folded card

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I know it's not one I originally picked. I didn't do a good job of reading the instructions but I took everyone's advice and voila! ... now don't find a typo.

In other news, Santa delivered an amazing gift for Pandu - a book and toy laptop. There is no name, address, no indication of who sent it.... so thank you. A good friend also told me that her and her precious daughter were getting Pandu some Braille books ..... thank you too!

I feel blessed and grateful. That is an amazing feeling.

Every Time

I am amazed at the generosity of gifts I have received. Someone sent me a $100 in Amazon gift cards from our wish list. Wow! Just wow!

Strangers at church have made us food and given us gifts.

The food bank is full of fruits and vegetables.

Pandu was approved for better and much much cheaper medical AND dental insurance to start at the end of the week. Every day he smiles as he goes into school.

I have been offered a part-time opportunity for a little more money. Even if my current employer does not wish to let me go part-time it is still a great opportunity to do marketing communications in a non-profit environment for an organization (United Methodist Church) that I believe in.

I'm just in awe right now. Life has been so very very difficult lately. I can't begin to express how difficult. But to receive these gifts is amazing.

Thank you for showing me that all the struggle has been worth it. That in the end faith will be rewarded.

Coupon Frenzy

Yesterday I wrote an email for a friend about the different places I've found for coupons, deals, etc. There are so many out there and honestly, I'm at the tip of the iceberg. Oh and this is just FYI, I'm not affiliated with any of these sites. 


If you have any good sites, I'd love to know about them. .... and yes, I'm obsessed. lol

Blogs that have good tips, recipes, general living, plus they track different specials around the web. 

• Money Saving Mom is a good site that tracks coupons, store deals, etc. You can follow on FB and then that way you get notified sooner because she posts like several times a day 
• Pinching Your Pennies another good coupon, store deals, suggestion site.
• Simple Organized Living is good, clean, general tips. 
• Time 2 Save is kinda country but approachable.
• Thrifty Coupon Living is one I like. It just seems to have deals that the others don't. 

Coupon Sites (hint: use different zip codes around the country to get a greater variety of coupons.)

• Coupons 
• Smart Source coupons 
• Local coupons for things like Valpak, etc. good for restaurants and local things. 
• Red Plum coupons 

Store Coupons/Discount Programs. Sign up for all the store discount cards. Some good ones:

• CVS ExtraCare rewards. I swear I buy everything here. 
• RiteAid 
• Video Rewards are cool because you get a coupon for watching a video. neat: 
• wellness+ Card. 
• Walgreen's 
• Jingle Cash card. 
• weekly coupons in their circular
• Target!!!! I LOVE Super Target.
• Store coupons

Another Option?

Purple Pop Art New Year's Card

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Oh Christmas Card

Every year I go through the debate over the Christmas card (cue dramatic music).

I do love receiving photo cards, especially with all the changes in families - the dogs, the cats, the children - I love it. So yes, send me your Christmas card... please?

We all know I'm a little coo-coo for coupons this year. Lo and behold Shutterfly has something right up my alley. I saw this promo for 50 FREE Holiday cards if I blog about them. Oh I can hear the gasps. Don't worry I will not become a magnet for corporate stuff but my eyes lit up as bright as Rudolph's nose when I saw this!

Now that I'm a mom it's like the Christmas photo card is the slice of memory for years to come. My son growing up before my eyes. The first photo card I did was the year that we brought Pandu home. We arrived home the day before Thanksgiving and were on self-imposed exile for a month, which included Christmas. People were so eager to see our lovely boy. So what better way to tell people about Pandu but with a photo card. Yes, maybe it screamed "procrastination" because it came after Christmas but it's ok, we were still jet lagged!

Last year I skipped Christmas. Again with the gasps?.... I know I'm appalled as well and it was very sad. But even still I was thinking about ways to prepare everyone - my family, my future ex-in laws - on not seeing Pandu as often as they were used to. What could I give .... a calendar! What a brilliant idea! Every month a new picture of him. I got distracted and never sent them. But eh, thankfully every year you need a new calendar.

That brings us to today. My boy has grown up in front of a camera. It doesn't help that he is my favorite thing to photograph or that he's SO adorable. Every day, like most children, he brings a smile to my face no matter what the worry. Why not share that smile with a few people via a photo card? So I went to Shutterfly's collection of holiday cards and started browsing. The choices are overwhelming. Seriously. I couldn't decide. Flat cards, folded cards. One picture, 5 picture. Christmas, Season's Greetings, Hanukkah (although it started today). It doesn't matter they are all there.

With all things related to holidays, I get overwhelmed. Now I need to decide, which card should I choose? Vote now.... seriously, vote now. And Christmas cards are bipartisan, no?

Card #1: Folded card with a season's greeting inside.

Card #2: Flat card with a sepia effect. I really like "peace & love" at the holidays. It's the hippie in me.  

Card #3: Flat card with Peace, Love, Joy, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year AND a greeting from Cocoa.

Card #4: Flat card close up of the most beautiful boy in the world (well, my world. )

Oh and some day, some how I will have dozens of these canvas photos with photographs over the years. Sigh, someday. 

Merry Christmas everyone. 

Make a Wish

Last year for Christmas was very difficult. The separation was brand new. We were trying to figure it all out. As you could imagine I didn't have much of the Christmas spirit. But I mustered up and I made a wish list. Miracle of miracles people fulfilled wishes and reminded me how very precious receiving and giving is.

This year there is less emotional trauma over Christmas. I'm excited about it. I also really enjoyed the concept of putting my wishes out there. So often we are afraid to ask for what we want but by verbalizing we just might get it. What would you wish for?

In no particular order are our families wishes:

1. A Donation to WACAP. Without them Pandu would not have come home to his family. The offer grants, no interest loans, fee waivers, all paid for through donations. 
2. A Donation to a no income requirement food bank. There is so much need these days. Donate to the smaller ones in your community - the church sponsored ones are the best. Even if you aren't a big church person. Even if you can only afford $10 of cheap canned vegetables, someone needs that food. I know Englewood United Methodist Church has a food pantry in Colorado. Find one local to you and give a box of food. 
3. People ask me all the time.... what does Pandu want? I'm grateful that he is easy to please but I went through and put together a wish list on Amazon of things that he would like and enjoy. 
4. It is about Pandu after all but mama has wishes too. 
5. Peace on earth. Peace in my heart. Companionship for all of us. Love most of all. Why aren't there catalogs for things like that? Go figure.

So now it's your turn, what do you wish for this Christmas?